Tonight, finally, it all clicked. And oh what a feeling!
My heart raced, my breathing sped up, and I felt this crazy burst of energy spread throughout my entire body. I felt tingly and alive, everywhere! No, I didn't take drugs. And No, it wasn't that other thing that you are all thinking of right now (sick minds, people)...
After a draining, mat-drenching asana class at Jivamukti Yoga Center in downtown Manhattan, I decided to stay on for the Thursday Evening Meditation class. (By the way, this class is totally free.)
I was nervous, to say the least. I was always scared of meditation. Scared that I wouldn't be able to focus, or chill out the incessant thinking that I lovingly refer to as That Damn Voice In My Head, or that my back would hurt and I wouldn't be able to sit still for more than 2 minutes. My experience at an Ashram in India last fall was exactly that - all about the brain, the pain, the fear. That time, in India, it never clicked, and I just felt anxious and frustrated.
I don't really know what was different about tonight. Maybe it was the warmth of the room. Maybe it was the confident voice of Ganesh, the meditation leader. Or maybe I was just ready. And when it did happen, when I tuned in, turned down the volume on my brain, and stopped thinking about how much my back DID hurt; when I finally got still and quiet and truly, totally present, well.... Wow. There it was. Lightening bolt. Rush of energy. Inner Presence. Inner Being. The Inner ME that I have heard about and read about and totally understand on a cerebral level... but have never quite been able to grasp in the non-logical sense of the word. Until tonight.
After the class I shared my experience with Ganesh, and he kissed my cheek and wrapped me up into his huge arms as though he was welcoming me into a secret society for Those Who Get It. I left feeling totally high, and now I want more. I can see how meditation is something like a drug - an addiction - a natural high that sends you soaring. No wonder people do this! It's a feeling of utter joy. Pure bliss. And the cool part is, it doesn't cost a dime. Because it's right there, within me. And I am empowered and amazed to know that such a feeling can be accessed anytime, whenever I need it.
Maybe someday I will be able to reach for it and keep it with me all the time. Live in the bliss every moment of every day. For now, I got a taste of what pure joy feels like, and it's pretty darn incredible.
The crazy thing is, you can to feel it too. It's there if you look for it. If you can get still.