Monday, July 20, 2009

I Should

I hate the word "should". It really is a dumb, useless word.

If I listened carefully to the loud Chorus of Shoulds around me, it would sound something like this:

I am a 35-year-old woman. I should be married. I should have children. I should be a home owner. I should have a substantial savings account. I should live in the suburbs and drive a minivan and be helping my kids with homework tonight after their soccer practice. I should be utilizing my expensive education toward a successful career that I return to now that my kids are in school. I should be settled. My life should be all figured out by now.

Here is the reality:

I am 35 years old. I am single. I am not dating anyone seriously. I have no kids (that I am aware of). I rent an apartment in Manhattan. I spend ridiculous amounts of money to live in this city, and therefore have a quickly-diminishing savings account. I am slowly paying off my expensive education but not really using my degrees... yet. I never want to drive a minivan or live in the suburbs. In fact I want to live in about 10 different places during this lifetime. I want to travel everywhere and anywhere. The word "settled" as we traditionally use it doesn't sit well with me. I have been in the same apartment for a mere 5 years, and I am already bored and feeling stagnate.

So I decided to do something about it. I will be moving out of this apartment, my home, in just two weeks. I will sell most of my furniture, store the bulk of my possessions, and carry with me as little as possible. I have no idea where I am going next, what I will be doing, where I will be living, or sleeping, or staying.

I should be freaked out and scared and nervous about this drastic change. I should be planning out all the logistics and carefully thinking through this next step. After all, I am 35 years old. I should be more responsible. And this move is coming up fast: less than 2 weeks away.

The reality is: I am free as a bird. I am not accountable to anyone but myself. I have all the support I need, both inside and outside of myself. I trust in the universe to provide everything I need to maintain a life of joy and adventure.

I am uprooting and setting myself free. I should feel both excited and at ease about the upcoming change. And I do.

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